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Zaliness
25 October 2010 @ 12:46 am
i choose not to like you
cause i cant trust you
and that hurts too much.

jus' sayin'.
 
 
Zaliness
22 October 2010 @ 03:06 pm
grey skies reflected couldlike
on pale and naked skin
a still day full of waiting
the world hovers hushed and holding its breath
while i am suspended in this soup.

this room been bleached to suit my bones,
i am raw and full of fuck off
unable to walk from pain
but wanting to throw myself at walls
smooth skin dirty scratched and bleeding.

instead poking, prodding and probing
sad but not fucked up.
cutting parts of myself away as they grow
there may be roots in this ground
but i am skeletal still.
 
 
Zaliness
20 October 2010 @ 01:02 am
how is it possible
to miss someone you've known for barely two months
THIS MUCH?!

maybe i'm just procrastinating
by dwelling on the problem.
maybe i dont care as much as i think i do.
maybe im lying.
but to who?


stupid essay.
i want to be at the pub.
:(
 
 
Current Mood: restlessrestless
Current Music: Where the Wild Things Are OST
 
 
Zaliness
17 October 2010 @ 08:48 pm
there's no way to express this. no words, no images, no photos or sketching or typing or throwing shit around will ever truly represent the level of pain currently residing in my chest. in my mind. embedded in every thought and action, every blink and nod.

the weight of this heavy heart is dragging me down, even my stubbornness in disowning every memory we ever made together to deny the pain, to salvage my sense of self, has been ground down into dust. and then fed to the wolves. and then you blew up the wolves.

i cant be your friend cause every time i look at you i am ripped asunder once more. im not strong enough for that.
you made me so broken.

my boss tells me i have hurt you more by disowning you, than what you did has ever hurt me. fucking bullshit.

she doesn't see this endless sitting on the couch staring into despair.

she doesn't see the hopelessness descending.

she doesn't see the grief and loss wracking anxiety into my stomach so i cant eat or breath and why is my heart is constantly beating too fast?

she cant see how much i hate everyone saying "oh you've lost SO much weight!"
yes, i did. i lost a whole person. i lost myself.

she doesn't see the blatant alcoholism as i try and numb myself from this in the only way i know best.

she doesn't see the smoking; trying to destroy myself with escape.
its a comforting embrace of my inevitable death, like a mini hourglass, if i can use this drug to get through this moment, the next will be easier, and the next, and before you know it ~POOF~ none of it matters anymore. every smoker does so aware that this will kill them. that's why they smoke. that's why i smoke. it hurts good. it hurts better then you did. death is compulsory. you made a CHOICE.

she doesnt see the violent reactions within my brain every time you're with me, with someone else, with yourself...
EVERY FUCKING TIME I CONTEMPLATE YOUR FUCKING EXISTENCE I WANT TO DESTROY SOMETHING LIKE YOU DESTROYED ME.
she cant see that.

and you! how can you think that by smiling at me over the bar or at the bus stop, you can fix this?!
YOU CAN NEVER FIX THIS.
FUCK OFF!

...
*insert calming breaths here*
...

nate says it seems i have found myself again. but it is a tenuous hold. more of a scent of sense of self than a manifestation.
i am turning into something, but i am still quite crippled by my actions and reactions to your actions and reactions.
i hate that you still affect me so much.

i should be winning at work, at life, at uni, at art, at making you insanely jealous and regretful of your stupidly inconsiderate behavior.

instead, i am sitting here, drained but not hollow, full of scrambled eggs and salad and wishing that i wasn't cause there's cheese reflux in my mouth.

i am embedded in silence, dressed all in black and barely able to concentrate on the faff of the internet, let alone a conceptual art essay detailing why exactly im painting scenes of my own broken heart instead of sicking to the proforma.

i am wishing someone would come over and drink rose and smoke doobies with me and talk and laugh and cry and end up watching SBS movies at 4am cause there's nothing else to do but be in another life for a while... but i am also far too tired and mentally drained to extend myself to inviting people i know wont come cause who gets drunk on a SUNDAY?

so, i am left with green tea, a craving for chocolate custard, my own loneliness and the complete inability to stop crying.

fluffy socks and kittens versus spiritual exhaustion.
who will win?
 
 
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: ----
 
 
Zaliness
13 October 2010 @ 01:28 am
Plz stop caring now.

Kthxbai.

<3
 
 
 
Zaliness
"You’ve no idea how hard I’ve looked for a gift to bring You.

Nothing seemed right.
What’s the point of bringing gold to the gold mine
or water to the ocean.
Everything I came up with was like taking
spices to the Orient.

It’s no good giving my heart and my soul because you already have these.
So, I’ve brought you a mirror.

Look at yourself and remember me."


- Jalaluddin Rumi
 
 
Current Mood: apatheticdetatched
 
 
Zaliness
17 August 2010 @ 08:03 pm
stretched across the sky i lie
scratched up and empty
signs etched into my skin
waiting for a story to fill me in.
you can see the stars shine through me,
insubstantial i fade into the ether
as fever and headache send me spiralling in and through and back and out.
your skin still makes scent in my bed
as mine aches inside it.
darkness pulsates with galaxies,
none of which are ours.
 
 
Current Mood: sicksick
 
 
Zaliness
14 July 2010 @ 12:02 am
P.S.  
happy birthday my love.

(on the other side of the city, joint in one hand, bottle in the other. having the time of your life already.)

:(
 
 
Zaliness
Bridy how u doing chik

11:19pmMe yeh alrighty slighty stoned. :):)
yur self?

11:19pmBridy u seemed a bit down at work...?
oh ok hehehe


11:19pmMe yeh its still really wierd :(:(

11:19pmBridy ye... :(:( that sucks..
:(:(


11:20pmMe yeh. so strange watching him pull these pieces of himself back together and have this 'im invincible' face its like 'did you ever get in love?'
you know?

11:21pmBridy ye..but thats phil.. hes got a mask on.. he needs to have to function.. im sure its effecting him as muhc. if not more then u


11:22pmMe i dunno. he got what he wanted

11:22pmBridy oh hunny u know it hurt him too...
the good times and the good feelings will always be there. u cant get rid of them.. thats the bit that hurts.

11:22pmMe and the longing

11:23pmBridy sweet heart. im sorry . i cant imagine how hard it is...

11:23pmMe lols
yeh. i imgine its pretty akward for all you guys too :S


11:24pmBridy i think we're all pretty selfishly oblivious to just how much it has effected you both, especially you.. i mean.. im a pretty un-personal person wen it comes to work /and or/ relationships mixing.. so i find it hard.. i mean. thats just me tho...
if it makes u feel any better, if u need anything ro whatever, i'll listen

11:25pmMe lol is all good :):)
i think im still a bit shocked at how quick everything turned upside down and shaken out
more drinking and dancing an ill be fine ;P
 
 
Current Mood: gloomyfucked off and sick with it
Current Music: Rasputina
 
 
Zaliness
so i had an interview the other day with kryztof.com, an online street magazine about whats going down on adelaide. they did a review for my exhibition Tabula Transentia at Higher Ground and wanted to follow it up with a bit of an artist talk.
unfortunately i dont know how to embed youtube in html... so heres the link...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtN2EFpUCWw

and heres the link to the review, written by rubina carleson!


theres also a review by one of adelaides arts magazines, Glam adelaide... but its a bit dissappointing considering they just parroted the press release we sent them... hm.
but at least its coverage.
Glam rags

its also featured in Rip It Up, another adelaide street mag. this is all i could find to link online, though i have all the IRL issues at home... lol.
pretty pic and all!

now thats a lot of publicity...
(and i feel slightly like a pimp, but after all that crazy i think i have a right to show off just a little bit... lol. :P)
...

in other news, autumn has hit sunn yol' adelaide! im watching the leaves that had been waiting for so long turn green from rain, then drop off and die slowly red and orange as the tree prepares for long sleeps in storms and mist. its funny how excited i get that winters coming... dull grey and massively black skies, days spent walking in the rain and the epic wind... coats and hats and scarves and gloves and sitting outside the pub complaining that its too cold to hold your beer, smoking too many ciggarettes cause its the only way to keep warm, doing homework cozy in the library then being popped outside into the harsh freeze forgetting that the sun goes down at 4.30 in the arvo...
i love it. :)

...

in other other news... tonight im going to see regina spektor!!! an AMAZING singer songwriter guitar player pretty girl of lovely wordiness and pure honeydrop sadness........ i really wanted to go, but accepted regretfully that i could never afford it, when out out of the blue my lovely boyfriend had procured for me a ticket!!!!!
unfortunately he has to work, and everyone else is busy sos i have to go by myself.
but im sure its going to be so awesome i wont care. :P


...so im going to go get ready, as i have just realised the time (i have to leave in half an hour!!!)
hope all you lovely people out there are doing amazingly well.

love you all!
:)
 
 
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: Electralane- Axes