heya guys...
quick post from greece. hope yer all okay out there.
my colds getting better, after waking up on our last night in Ios (the party island of greece) with my eyes glued shut by mucus, i decided it was time to go get some antibiotics. am still tired and achey, but am coughing less and can almost breath sometimes. its awesome. died my hair red again, but it turned out carrot orange. am trying to be amused. :P

photos from day one of tour are apparently up on facebook, and some from the trip up to London.
have just spent two hours farkin around the net in santorini, and didnt get really much at all done. they will come though, slowly. have burned through one memory card, and started on another, and we're only half way!

this is probably the most beautiful island in Greece... we went to see a sunset from the top of a cliff last night... it was okay. more interesting was the plethora of alleyways and whitewashed buildings climbing and descending all over the place, the masses of jewellery and clothes stores, the glimpses of sea and green and sky all sunny and soft, bougainvilleas and geraniums and petunias everywhere in shades of pink and red and purple.
i cant get over how many dogs there are here. Ios was full of random stray cats, this island is packed with dogs. some collared, some not, just wandering around as they please, all quite tame. we went on a donkey ride up the mountain this morning, it was awesome fun. smelly, and i ache now from my ankles to my back, but it was great.

went shopping yesterday and today, found a bead store in the middle of the island and spent about fifty EU on shiny things. bought presents for gem and jess and liz which ill post in Amsterdam, and found an awesome bag made from a long sleeved t shirt with the bottom sewn up and the arms tied together as straps. the design was transfer printed on it, and the whole store was full of these artworks this guy had done and printed on t shirts, mugs, hats, cups, cards, posters, calenders, you name it his art was on it. its a great idea for getting your stuff out there, and making cash from it. we went back there today and got him to print a t shirt for our coach driver/acting Grecian tour manager Steve to say thanks for the memories. it really has been a riot, the guy is AWESOME.
today i found a necklace for mum, and bought myself a silver necklace in the minora design
(aka the Greek key) which means eternity in Greece. i got the necklace and a matching pair of earrings for 75EU, which isn't bad cause the lady before wanted to charge me 95EU for just the necklace. hell no. :P

ios was amazing, two days of lying around a resort drinking mojitos, and then going out at night. did something like a 14 hour drinking binge, started at 12 midday, drank till dinner at 7.30, then went out to the bars on the island and kept the party going. it was INSANE. theres lots i don't remember and some photos i wish hadn't been taken. :P needless to say the next day i slept a LOT, went for one small swim, and went home again. haven't been able to touch alcohol since. :P the beach there was amazing, its only a small island about the size of Adelaide with parklands, floating in the spotlessly aqua ocean, green fields and grey cliffs but the beach is coarse and golden, and all the sand is shiny like glitter cause of all the silica in the cliffs.

the island of Corfu might have been that amazing, but when we went on a boat tour of the islands it rained the whole time. we got fine weather out to the first beach, and then some time for some people to sunbake and others to do water sports, and then it came pissing down. we made it the best we could though, the driver George was the shortest lewdest Greek man i have ever met, it was hilarious. have bought a shirt from the boat with a pirate on the front and an orgy on the back, for which i scored free shot at the yiros house we had lunch in today, LOL.

thats about it that i can remember so far. my internet times running out, but theres more goss to come. will try and get back on soon and talk to you all, i miss you all greatly and am longing for your company.
love you muchly,
~kath

heya guys!!

sorry i havent been emailing as much as id like. internets and time is fairly scarce atm. the last place we were in that had net was rome a few days ago. and there were only three computers working out of eight, and they guy went home early. i did send some postcards which you should be getting soon. one for liz from the vatican, one for jade and gem from somewhere lost in the haze of memory that may have been venice, and some from here.

am not sure where to start. its been crazy busy these past few days. ive been a bit sick, mostly cause of the two weeks of constant partying at night and sightseeing during the day running me down. my glands all swelled up and ive been exhausted, and last night on the overnight ferry from rome to corfu was awful, the heat was up too high and i was feverish and couldnt sleep. took the day off from towning today though and stayed in bed with cold and flu tablets and my ipod, and my fever broke about midday. still got a sore throat but i feel ten times better and in a few days should be fine. :D there feeding us fairly well for dinners, breakfast leaves a bit to be desired, but thats okay.

i bought some lovely things in venice, some merano crystal earrings, a leatherbound journal, and a venitian mask, and a present for jade. bought a white poloshirt in france, a leather bracelet in spain and two more in florence, and a trinket for gem at the pont du garde in france again. didnt buy any gold in italy, am keeping my spending to absolute minimum, though it was cheap for gold, it was beyond my budget. joel however bought himself a nice (if tiny) gold ring for fifty euro, and mhairis bought a presants for matt. am in greece now though, and apperantly the shopping is really good here. cant wait to hit the markets in santorini and buy some jewellary and new bathers.


i still have my sleeping bag,and my pillow, i dont think ive lost anything yet. had a mild scare when i couldnt find my beret for a couple of days, but it was at the back of the tour bus the whole time. hah. :P mhairi misplaced her camera and was grumpy for two days, but it was at the bottom of her backpack hidden by some stuff, so now shes happy again. were all going together okay, we've started sleeping in seperate cabins and talking to other people, and its good to have some space. we've snapped at each other a few times, but we know when to keep out of each others way so heres been no fights so far. she got us lost in paris one day coming back from climbing the Eiffel tower, and it was pouring down with rain as we raced along the banks of the seine trying to find the tour bus to take us back to camp. we very nearly didnt make it, my bag split open and my stuff flew everywhere, but we saw it driving down the road full of people and waved like madwomen and steve the driver pulled over and let us on. not sure if ive forgiven her for that yet. ;P the rest of the group is pretty good, weve got a fairly wide age range, from 18yos to thirtysomethings. they're all pretty nice, civil at least, and we have some fun together drinking and dancing an craking jokes on the bus. by the end of it they reckon well all be a happy family, and i can believe it. some people are staying in london for a while aftert the tour, so ill have some friends around when mhairi and joel go off on their trip to Berlin, so that'll be awesome. :)

we rocked up in greece last night, and i think today is the last day of the easter. the only thing that was organised for today was a trip into town, and later tonight were going to a dinner and dancing night, where we eat at a restaurant and they put on a show for us. we had one at barcelona with flamenco dancing, and a four course tuscan dinner in florence. nothing religeousy though, that i know of. say happy easter to bubba for me, and eat some piroshki. the food around the place is awesome, but i miss home food. :P had a Florentine steak in italy that was a bit average, nothing i couldntve done at home. had awesome pizza and pastas and gelati though. i finally got to try this buffalo cheese that a guy we met at a party back in aus. it was a little bland and rubbery, but i had it on pizza with SPICY salami, so it balanced the taste out well. the pizzas are HUGE there, either very wide with a thin base, or small with about an inch worth of base and two inches of topping. its pure AWESOME.

the weathers okay. theres a bit of cloud following us around, it rained in paris, arle, barcelona, verona, venice, and pizza but was sunny in nice, florence, some of rome, pompei and today. should be mostly fine untill we start heading north again. the locals are prety good actually. most of them speak english, and if they dont though my french is terrible and my spanish even worse, so far weve been able to make do. theyre pretty nice most of the time, the cashiers in the big places are a little short but thats to be expected, the tiny shops are full of lovely people, except for his one guy in a shop in nice. he asked us something in french, probably along the lines of CAN I HELP YOU?, very fast and with a heavy accent. it took me completely by surprise and i just stared at him while i tried to make sense of it in my head. he then said, very loudly and grumpily in english "WHY YOU COME TO FRANCE IF YOU CANT SPEAK FRENCH?" i gave him a funny look, shrugged and went to the back of the store. when his wife back there asked the same thing in french, he shouted from the from "NO THEYRE JUST LOOKING", and she gave this little nod, took the clothes i as looking at as i went to put them back on the hook and did them herself like she assumed cause i was not from there i was totally arrogant and stupid. that was it, and we left without the skirt i was going to buy. fuck that racist shit. i know what people feel like now when the come to Aus and the same old bigots try the same old shit. its disgusting. the next worse was when i had to go to the loo in barcelona, (there are no public toilets in european cities, only at servos on crosscountry highways and stuff. if you need to go you pay a lady fifty cents to use one in a shop or park, or buy something at a shop.) at this particular place in barcelona, i needed to go after browsing through the dali museum (which was fantastic), and they directed me to a guy in a fast food restaurant who didnt speak english, and didnt explain that i needed to buy something, and when i figured it out and went to buy something took fifteen minutes helping his assistant (who clearly didnt need help) to put bottles of milk into some ice while i was busting my ass off. we got there eventually, but it was just rude and rattled me a bit. they were the only bad experiences though, everyone else has been at least civil.

well, my internet times almost up, so i should go.
if you see my kitten give him extra love from me, am missing you all and feeling a little homesick. randomly woke up after a nap while driving around italy yesterday and saw some gum trees along the road, for a moment i though i was just taking a cruise to melbourne. alas, no, but it made me happy anyway.
will try and keep in contact; the days are flying by and everythings kind of running into everything else, but once i have some downtime im sure itll all come back. its a wild crazy ride, but its awesome fun and totally worth it. :D

much mwah from greece.
~kath

heya guys!

am in barcelona in spain at the moment, we arrived about two hours ago. the drive in was aweome, every building is a different colour and the hills are dark green, the cliffs are white and the dirt is red.
they have the most ornate graffiti, though apparently theyre not allowed to portray faces in their art. i dont understand that at all., but im sure theres a reason. theres a picasso museum i really want to go to, and the house of that architect guy, i dont remember what his name is, LOL. oh dear.

paris was amazing, it was lush and green and it rained a lot. the city itself is so beautiful, theres ancient stone buildings and bronze statues and wrought iron gates and window guards and tulips everywherethe first sfternoon i went to the louvre and spent the whole day in there. the second day we vistioed the eiffel tower and the arc du triumph.
the first nmight we were there we all got drunk at the contiki bar, then went to an irish pub, after getting lost and asking three french people where the hell it was. :P once there they offered all the girlds free shots to dance on the bar, which we did, and two free shots to take our bras off, which some did and i dsid not. :P
we danced heaps and fell into bed, and got up in the morning to traipse around the city. the second night we were there we went to a fancy french dinner in a restaurauntaunaunat, and drank lots of free wine and went out to an aussie bar after. there we had rounds of shots and some finnish lady brought me back to her husband to buy me more shots after i complemiented her dress.
there was much fun to be had, but i cant write anymore as my time is up!!! oh the suspense!!
ill come back tomorrow and type some more.

hope youre all doin okay over there. i miss you guys a lot, and i miss australia.

but spain so far is amazing, and theres so muvch more to look forward too! much love to all, and missing you all heaps...
MWAH!!

so where do i start?
the past (how many hours?) have somehow melded all together, and i no longer have any concept of time. its all just a haze of light and dark, taking breaths and letting them out, one dream scene after the next.

the first plane flight from adelaide was long and tiring, 8 hours, the longest ive ever taken. we half watched movies, tried to peer out windows, complained when the people in front of us (us by which i mean me :P) couldnt seem to understand that putting their seat back so far meant i was going to kick them cause i dont have any room for my legs (wtf??), reading, and generally being uncomfortable.

HK looked awesome from the window of the plane. all bright lights shining in snake paths up dark mountains and a radioactive purple night sky. i changed hurridly, desperately wanting a shower, swapped coins, and cursed when most of the restaurants were clkosed. eventually though we ate noodles in a deserted chrome glass and white-light cafe upstairs, was so tired all the fluro colours were swimming together with all my other senses and every face around me looked unhuman. fell asleep on the plane about ten minutes after takeoff for london, and didnt wake till three of the twelve hours later, and slept fitfully again. watched the matrix, sweeny todd, and the simpsons, bnut mostly the sky. the view from the window over europe was astounding. we were above the clouds, just flesh in metal and atmosphere, a giant cloudcotton blanket floating beneath us and only the curve of the earth underneath us. we raced the dawn across the sky, and it caught up with us as we passed russia, the sun finally appearing out of the pink and blue haze somewhere around berlin, making the roofs of the factories below us like mirrors in the patchwork.
we reached heathrow at 6.30am, got into central london about nine, and checked in at ten, where i had the worst shower experiance EVER. (dont ask. or ask, and i might tell you. :P)

wandering around, this area of london is a lot like melbourne. (were staying at the generator hostel. we saw some of camden, but thats the only place i know. :P) it has that same random quirkiness, but somehow more class. the old buildings give the place character, even soot stained as they are, it somehow makes it more appealing to the imagination. theres a lot of little random parks, hobby stores, plants hanging all over the walls, cobblestones embedded in the tarmac, long tan coats, tall jeans and neat hair, and businesswomen wearing docs and tartan. saw one old punk with washed out apathy and sunken eyes, and one young punk in a nervous haste and a spiral tattoo on his neck, and lots of well-dressed welshman and tourists from all over. we had lunch through a little red doorway, offering FRESH loosely-asian buffet all you can eat for £5.50 (and sitting in an orange room full of lovely plastic plants, lamps and mirrors, i ate ALL the pineapple and sweet redbean balls i could :D) and visited the british museum, which had an AMAZING exhibition on the history of american printmaking, from the Ashcan School to abstract experssionism. (coincidently, what my last uni essay was about, haha!)
the highlight of the day; seeing a REAL LIFE JACKON POLLOCK WORK UP CLOSE IN THE FLESH.
it was amazing. reproductions sure look cool, but theres no way to feel the energy. his madness was pouring out of those shapes, those random black lines that had meaning inside his vivion, every stroke halfplanned in a frenzy of instant abstreaction, emotion pushing inside to get out, contorting itself past loops and squares to a map of thoughts, of neurons connecting and psychosis spiralling. it was intenseand incredible, and for the first time in about a year and a half i was actually INSPIRED in the things i love. i sketched replicas of genius work, i took down names and artists and notes on time and period and influences, and half lines of poetry found in the prints. i have pamphlets and passion and as cliche as this sounds this is just the beginning of reawakening something i thought was lost forever. arts not dead, it was behind the couch the whole time. :P

tomorrow we get on the bus and start the tour proper.
its going to be long an intense, and my bodys confused. its only 4pm here, but somehow i feel like its midnight. might actually be around that time, back there in adelaide.
i miss everyone heaps already, wandering around camden gemma was threre, luke was in the airport while collecting luggage, skellett on the underground train into the city, the young punk looked like rob, i saw a 171 bus and thought of jess, saw a 168 and thought of home and kittens and my purpleblack bedspread and plants in the windows.

not sure how much time i'll have in the next few days, but will try to keep in touch with everyone.
much love to all, and hope youre all doing okay out there, half a world away.
MWAH
XX

what?

what was that?

that typing sound, click clacking and bouncing off empty walls?

oh dear god.
after almost a year, i have returned.

:D

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! fear my incessent rambling!
i tonight have re-engaged the blogging world, for i am adventuring beyong my means and bounds to a far off continent they call Europe...
fourty five days on tour, sixteen countries visited, three months away from Oz, two best friends, one awesome cousin, and a hell of a lot of priceless.

the adventure is beginning in roughly 40 hours from now. the bags are being packed, the sleeping bags by the door, the house slowly deserted of a years worth of living. tomorrow the cat goes the a friendly place to stay. soon... a plane and the curve of the earth and a horizon of unknowness. and drama. probably.

this will be randomly documented here, following the genious of The Gov (*waves*), around the place, when i can, cause its easier than email, and not as distracting as facebook. :P both of which i'll update in my profile in un momento, so if needs be someone can find where i live. more home than a hotel anyways.

anyways.
i got things t do so this is the end.
but watch out...
more scaryness will be forthcoming. :P

so here is a pic of my kitten, Seren.
hes only a few months old, but already hes hell cheeky.
i also think i spoil him too much.




i got a facebook, theres more there if you wanna see, cause devarts being a bitch with this computer. apparently doent have the right browser or soemthing so i cant post pics, and cause im not uniadmi i cant dl the next one. gah; too much hassle.

yeh, i think thats all i got.
hope yer all doing okay.
much love to all.

Dislocation, Dissolution. When love goes wrong, and all that you have around you dissolves, parts are torn up and dispersed. Scraps written on pages scattered on the ground. Thoughts move like haze between one moment and the next. Faded conversations, misplaced and entangled. Loose ends are lost, fingertips frazzle and nerves fray.
This work is an attempt to capture all those forgotten things. Gathering the papers, indexing feelings, recorded into something concrete, and then dispersed again, the design whole and refilled, the heart found and placated.

...

am entering into my first real exhibition.
for sala festival, art dispensed in ciggarette packets to a crowd of strangers. taking all those parts of me and giveng them out for $4 an insight, sad words that have worn themselves out in my head prettied up with shiny things and dispensed to touch on others lives.
oh nervous.
this is the statement to go with it. about as close as i can to describing what im all about right now.

somethings changed inside me, theres a new rock to stand on, and good things are starting to happen. im talking to more people, learning to let go when bad things happen ((like stopping to help some drunk lady passed out on the pavement last night and missing my last bus home.)) and see the good side ((meaning i could go back to the pub and have a few more beers, and ended up playing pool and pinball and having a grand old time. :P)).
slowly, im growing. seeing the stupid parts in me, accepting what i cant change and changing what i accept. trying to make myself into something, stopping the sulking and making with the smiling.
confusion confusion; all this growing up is a funny business.

gah. step by tiny step; peter was right after all.
cheers to that :)

Following is a poem that artmunow wrote for me, using bits of entries i wrote, rearranged and put back together. there were two, but i like this one the best. :P the other, can be found here.
CHEERS DUDE!! :D
...

1.

she wonders if i’ll ever find a home on a wall, or get to fuck some
really good art that’s already hung – i know that curling up in her
mellows me, but i’m hugely purple and that’s scary – and my face
doesn’t always work; it stops time when i eat a muffin’s silk -

i actually panic, like i’m gonna be recognized as just a bunch
of puter-bits, and not a quiet art formed without answers to
big questions – but i think i’ve found myself, or at least painted
my self into a corner where art ranges free, and numbers are just
symbol-shapes drawn from imaginary, sometimes alarming facts -

those are the things that dance our space away in response to music,
so i’ve given the day an ultimatum: close your mind, and open all
of our identities, because they can’t…and be the question that fucks
with the academics.

today, i just cannot be fucked.
i wanna go back home.
fuck uni, fuck work, fuck the world.

if home is where the art is, thats where i want to be.
do i even need to be here at all? so called group project doing pleanty fine without me. mild panic when computer wouldnt recognise my username. utterpanic when i realise id left my wallet in the computer room after leaving in a huff.
mellowed out a bit when i refound my wallet and nothing was missing, a different computer actually worked, i found medy on facebook, and i finished the most awesome purple muffin youve ever seen.

i still wanna go back home though. and curl up in my new huge bed, with my silky quilt and quiet music and just sleeeeeeeeeeeep. and then paint something. i want a day where i dont have to get up.

im still wondering if ill ever be a real artist. on a wall at uni someone posted an ultimatum; artist or housewife, and a number to msg responses. she posted the answerws today for assessment, they ranged from; "keeping house is an art form", "be both! use appliances in your art!", and "once you have the courage to identify as an artist, youcan never stop. you can stop producing works but you can never will away the power to see." to "if you cant hack it go home. stop whining and conform."
its interesting, answers without having to ask the question myself.
interesting what people think art is, its place in life.

the elitist academic fuck can go home hisself. closed-mindedness gets you nowhere as an artist, he should know better.

anyway.
theres a fire alarm or something. i should go.

*- had lunch with my mum today.
we went to see a tax lady about my trust money. it seems this trust thing is the way to go, the ten grand will generate a fair amount of interest that i can keep tax free, and its safe there and i can take it out to go travelling. am considering putting the other money ive saved in the same account, cause noone can touch it and did i mention interest is tax free? ive also been thinking about getting a visa debit card, cause then i can buy music cds cheap online from south africa, and im getting charged lots of fees in my bank as is. also, despite all this windfall, my current spending money is really really small. after i pay rent and library fees and FINALLY get the photos from melbourne developed, im pretty much flat broke. and next pay, its rent and electricity bills!!! yay no food or beer for me. no beer, of course is the sadder plight. :P

*- cannot fail more than two subjects at uni;
else overseas student exchange is impossible. so i have to write two essays in a week to pass art theory, and work like mad on my group project for glass. im sure councelling is fucked, i havent done any of the assignments so i have no marks, but ill have a crack at the exam anyway. im sure itll backfire horribly, but if im not expecting to get anything out of it, maybe ill be happy with whatever terrible mark i do get. ahhhhhhh!!!!

*- despite encourageing post that i wrote last week ((that subsequently didnt actually post cause uni computers are a peice of shit, but yes!! i WAS encouraging!!)), im thinking of defferring next semester for a year. mhairis going on a quick round the world tour in april next year, for just five grand ((plus extra for spending)) and it would be awesome to go with her ((just like we planned in year ten!! LOL! oh we were so cute!)). im over this study thing for a while. i really really need to get something new in me. i need something crazy and life changing to face my demons with. mouldering away reading about enlightenment theory, the historical sublime and material signifiers just doesnt work anymore. i really do want this degree, but i dont want it enough to deal with the bullshit. so, i'll deal with myself first, and maybe the inspiration will come after. but to afford it i need to defer uni, get a second job, take a year to navel-gaze and sky-search, save a buttload of money, and just generally be awesome. its huge, but i gotta do something cause all this shit aint getting me nowhere. see below.

*- struggling not to feel replaced and depressed.
i know we're all seperate entities and i have no claim over anyone else life but fuck its so tempting to lose my shit and demand things i dont deserve. i want to cave in. i want the release of tension, i want the anger and the savage grief, i want to let these psychotic impulses free and rip and tear and shread myself and everyone around me till theres nothing left but darkness and freedom. i want to blame everyone else for this pain. i want storms and self-righteousness and rage and wild jealousy and letting the hurt free instead of fester. but fuck. i cant. we tried that already and got nowhere. so instead i sit here and try not to feel anything when everyone else has more place in your life than i do. reduced to nothing, once again.

*- have finally started making a stomputer room of my own.
i have a desk and a chair and a computer, and i have an easle and a chest of drawers that i painted black and did little gold swirls on the handles. theres also my dodgy cane bookshelf and a smaller used-to-be-an-encyclopedia-bookself, but these are kinda out of place in this room and im cosidering moving them again. i just need to stick all my stuff back up on the walls and get a dropsheet or two, and im set. its good to have something to hold onto, its only a small achievement but its a foothold. step by tiny agonising step im rebuilding my place in the world. did i mention tiny and agonising?????

*- apparently lists are the way to the future. i might try it out. so much to do... so little everything else.

so this is what comes from having youre identity crafted for you. everything i fought for as a teenager coming back to bite me cause now theres nothing left to fight. crumbling under the lack of pressure, the weight of self-responsibility something different. its harder when theres noone else otblame.
not strong enough not strong enough.
selfpity selfpity. ladida.
eyes a little more oval, its time for revelations.

all talk, no acceptance. yet fighting blind-mute-giving-in, everything must be questioned. but why?
blind acceptance leads to subjecation, supression, a disintergration of self into the masses and a loss of identity. like giving too much of onesself, like i did, i gave it all and i lost it all, an now theres just a hole which needs filling. needs filling with wisdom gained through aknowledgement of mistakes and acceptance of responsibility. but i fear being disintergrated again, even if it is into myself.

what disturbs me the most is the lack of individuality. identity. substance.i look at everyone around me, seems they have found their niche, theie shape of their soul, their ideals and theyre appearances. while change is the only constant, still it seems they do not fear it as i do, stable enough in themselves to repel being sucked through to the otherside. it seems once, in memory, i was the same. strong. colourful. full of emotion and opinion and pride and all the good things that come from living. then i changed it, channelled it, gave it all away for a cause that i could not sustain, and failed at. and so i am left with nothing, all that energy dissipated. previous pride is unwarranted, old opinions seem foolish and new ones apathetic, and the only emotions are grey, or black. old goals are unacheiveable, the passion and inspiration gone. art, metaphore, portrayl, depiction and above all VISION ((the true tools of the artist)) somehow... out of reach. disconnected. gone.

and, see how i could talk like this in cirlces all night and analyse where its all gone wrong, but i keep coming down to the answer of i fucking miss you cause in the end you were all of myself i had left to hold onto and i fucked you up an now youre gone and i dont even have that anymore. and i dont know what to do about it.

and theres the blockade.

and the circles start again, like bashing my head against a wall of ignorance and despair of my own making. bash bash bash and we're getting nowhere.

this is what keeps me up at night.
all that ugly confusion in the dark. and fear fear fear.
and nargh.

...

i guess that is all.

"Perhaps it is true that we do not really exist untill there is someone to see us existing, we cannot properly speak untill there is someone there who can understand what we are saying, in essance, we are now wholly alive untill we are loved. "
-Alain deBotton.

i am so sick of being alone.
of being empty.
emptiness inside, emptiness without. being so makes the world without promise, without the meaning that used to be just under the surface. maybe the surface is thicker, maybe i have lost the ability to scratch, who knows. all these faces are blank, all words the same, even friends once so treasured are like strangers to me now, eyes unfamillier, turns of phrase obscure. discomfort and hollowness, and akward conversations.

tomorrow, i AM making an appointment to get better. to deal with my shit. to </i>something.</i>
im scared, i dont want to face my demons, but if i fall any further i wont be able to get back up. ive already failed this semester, reclused myself in a messy dusty house from sheer paranoia, infected my body with some kind of cold virus, and cant be enthused about work so its going nowhere. what else must i destroy before i can climb the piles of rubble?
WHY MUST I BE SO MELODRAMATIC?? lol.

it just feels like theres so much nothing, theres no point, you know?
textbook exitential crisis. unfortunatey, the book doesnt give me the motivation to get the hell out. gah.

ummmmmmmmmm...
yes.
i dearly longing for my studio, but im still working out where in this empty old house to put it. the garage is just useless. am using the loungeroom floor atm. not really comfy. i think once i get my easle inside, things will start looking up. im also longing for soup, so im going home now.

well...
it just like being in adeliade. i barely notice the difference.
just bigger, and with less bogans, and more shops, and more pubs.
not a bad thing.

everyone else is holed up in the hotel room, tired and sore. im still restless, so am about to head out an find a street spirit of my own.

only have four minutes left, so i hope youre all doing okay.
love yas lots. :)

so heres the design of my next tattoo.
to be done IN MELBOURNE THIS WEEKEND!!!!
ive emailed two places but neither of them have gotten back to me. narg.
will check again tomorrow though.

WISH ME LUCK!!!!

so my glass assessment grade returned as a P1.
just a pass.
since when did i go from straight distinction student to a fucking P1????
since i fucking lost you, and fucking everything i could hold onto, thats fucking when.
reduced to nothing. i have nothing left.

please tell me its not about the grade you achieve, how you incomptance appears in the eyes of others.
tell me its about the fun you had making it, the lessons you learned and what to do better next time, all that bullshit stuff. cause they sure as hell dont.

maybe im better off just becoming a drone like all the rest.
get up. go to work. go home. sleep. untill i die, empty and unfulfilled.
fuck knows i got no spark left anyway.

fail fail fail fail fail.

yes, youre seeing right. ITS A GLOW IN THE DARK TATTOO!!!
well, UV light actually.

"Wanted a tattoo, afraid your parents see it? No worry, there’s new technique now of making your tattoo inactive in the day. The new technique uses blacklight reactive ink which is reactive to UV light. Is the ink safe to use on body? Yup, they said that it has FDA approval as a Spectral Marking [tattoo] Pigment that was developed for use in tracking [tattooing] animals and fish and has been tested and used with NO adverse reaction in humans for over 10 years. Get one of this tattoo and have fun in the dark, don’t let your parents get their UV light."

THE COOLEST THING EVER OMG I WANT ONE!!!11!1!!

found at this wacky site while researching tattoo designs. its a fair way down on the list, but enjoy the other bizzare stuff too.

im thinking about getting a new one while im in melbourne. seven stars down my side, just on the curve of the waist across my hip bone and then one snuck under the top of my jeans. ;P ((but not those nautical stars you see everywhere. hell no.))
tis gonna be sexay. :D i just gotta draw it up. am thinking something similar to this that i found, but we'll see.

ive got the design for my wings drawn up too, i just have to do a coloured version then take it to an artist to see if they can make it. am thinking that shep dude at the body shop; he does pretty awesome work. booked out like three months in advance though. its going to be amazing, but i dont think i have the guts yet. soon though. one day. maybe. lol. ill post it when i can, give you all a look-see.

anyway.
im going to get my head out of this existential therapy stuff, and get some food, then PUUUUUUUB!!!! whoo!

THERES GOING TO BE AN ADELIADE ZOMBIE WALK!!!! MAY 26TH! Rymill Park, East Terrace (top of Grenfell Street), in and amoungst the trees, at 5:00pm.
oh the AWESOMENESS!!!!!
i am SO THERE!!
nnnaaarrrggghhhh... braaaaiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnsss....


in other news, ive moved into my new house.
well, two weeks ago. :P
i have yet to have internet connected, so updates are sporadic at best, and probably will continue so untill i get off my ass/get some money together/call people and do organizing stuff.
at first i was really scared of living by myself. its not so bad.
well, it was last night. and the night before was worse. i had a breakdown and ended up in bed crying for half the night as opposed to writing the essay that was due a week ago. but its all good. or something.
im not so used to it yet. the emptyness still scares me; theres nowhere to hide. theres strange noises and ghostly shadows. theres paranoid fears behind every closed door that somehow some psychomurderer has somehow snuck into my house and is just wiating for me to open the door with a knife ((thanks mum, for terrorising me as a kid. who needs a normal anxiety-free life anyway?)). theres just me and my crazy mind, and all they have to talk to is eachother. im becoming stranger and stranger the more im away from people. mhairi came over sunday and i practically exploded weirdness at her, all the shit thats been running around in my head with no outlet. it was quite bizzare for an hour or two, but eventually subsided. sorry if i scared you dude. :P

on the bright side, i did finish the essay today, image index, biliography, email transcripts and all. now i just have to find the ladys email and send it away away where the glass gnomes play. its a good feeling to be doing SOMETHING. its the first assignment out of three ((and one practical assessment, but i did that)) that ive handed up, and theres another due monday, and another due in a week or so i think. at least im not going to fail glass. thats one subject.
on the less bright side, if i fail more than one subject i cant go on exchange, so i need to buckle down. ((its just hard when theres no motivation inside. when youre sitting alone in an empty house amongst dust and old photos, all you can see is the pointlessness.))
im starting to paint a bit again though ((in front of the TV, which i never watched before i had noone to talk to. i refuse to subject myself to commercail stations though. i think big borther would send me on a killing spree. SBS, however, rocks my fucking world.)), which is good.

also in other news..
IM GOING TO MELBOURNE TO SEE NINE INCH NAILS IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS
hell fucking yes omg its going to be great!!!
im heaps excited. ive only been to melbourne once beorfre, and that was when i was twelve, and imprisoned under my father and my basketball teams ever present peer pressure. gaaaaaaak. this time, im fancy free, and its going to be amazing. something totally different. shake up my world. fuck yes; god knows i need it.

um.......
what else?
oh yes, i left my phone in my mums car this morning ((after leaving it at the fish and chip shop the other day. can we say dumbass?)) and havent had it on me all day, so thats why if you sent me a msg i havent replied. sorry. i wont get it till i get home. which is i dont know when.
again with the being alone too much=whats time and space and reality? nah, none of that exists ladidaidda. etc etc. INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!!!!

What do we want?

Brains!!!

When do we want them?

Brains!!!



heheheheheheh zombies.

http://www.ensemble.va.com.au/meme_shift/shift.html
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/53596326/?qo=3&qh=special%3Anewest
http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=413341

...

nothing to stop the march of the seconds the suns rise and fall the decay of brain matter the moment we're born we start dying.

the passage of time getting older bones aching and memories fading all that youthful vigor/ not a kid anymore so stop pretending

changes start again something new move on with the moments fingers on keys every word a new beginning something else to think about moving on and getting older

im not a fan of living alone empty but for the ticking of the clock and an old cardboard box there are to many holes here and im scared of losing myself in the stillness

ill get the net again soon and my connection with the outside world will once again be established

it sucks that i can see so much of this around. not being fixed, just lying dormant in the faces i know. ((and in the mirror)) i doubt there were many scenarios exactly the same as this, or resolved exactly like this, but still it seems like ive seen it all before.
an its sad that theres so much crap like this going down. that so many people are stunted, withdrawn, fucked up cause other people dont care enough. gaak.

...

im moving house tomorrow.
into a tiny cement box my parents picked out and now own, and insist on decorating for me. ((im not entirely ungrateful. i just wish they gave me a choice, not just assumed they know what i want and can or cannot handle. and the location is incredibally inpractical, far from work, far from uni, not so far from my friends now i guess, but close to them)) i get to rent it from them, and it was implied eventually inherit the place, so i guess im paying off my own mortage, again which is not a bad thing.
i just dont like being under their control again. i cant wait till they stop calling me and fucking with my life.
i love my parents, really i do. just from a distance. a rather large one.

im supposed to be packing now.
another shift, another sanctuary mangled by moving on.
im procrastinating, putting off the destruction as long as possible. im generally not good with change. which, in itself, has to change.
im sick of
PANIC!!
hold onto as much as possible!!!
dont lose the memory; reality might follow.
but this is my reality! but not for long!! but i dont know what reality comes next!!! OMG PANIC!!!!!

im a bit nervous about living by myself. i think in a way it could be a good thing, the final confrontation and learning who i am and how to survive. i gotta be okay with spending time alone, just me and my head, not contantly chasing a distraction.
on the other hand, it will probably send me quite mad.
the upside of which, in final desperation i might find the courage to go an talk to someone about my stupid everything that just seem to be getting worse. fuck knows i need a hand. i need something.
maybe this is it.