it sucks that i can see so much of this around. not being fixed, just lying dormant in the faces i know. ((and in the mirror)) i doubt there were many scenarios exactly the same as this, or resolved exactly like this, but still it seems like ive seen it all before.
an its sad that theres so much crap like this going down. that so many people are stunted, withdrawn, fucked up cause other people dont care enough. gaak.

...

im moving house tomorrow.
into a tiny cement box my parents picked out and now own, and insist on decorating for me. ((im not entirely ungrateful. i just wish they gave me a choice, not just assumed they know what i want and can or cannot handle. and the location is incredibally inpractical, far from work, far from uni, not so far from my friends now i guess, but close to them)) i get to rent it from them, and it was implied eventually inherit the place, so i guess im paying off my own mortage, again which is not a bad thing.
i just dont like being under their control again. i cant wait till they stop calling me and fucking with my life.
i love my parents, really i do. just from a distance. a rather large one.

im supposed to be packing now.
another shift, another sanctuary mangled by moving on.
im procrastinating, putting off the destruction as long as possible. im generally not good with change. which, in itself, has to change.
im sick of
PANIC!!
hold onto as much as possible!!!
dont lose the memory; reality might follow.
but this is my reality! but not for long!! but i dont know what reality comes next!!! OMG PANIC!!!!!

im a bit nervous about living by myself. i think in a way it could be a good thing, the final confrontation and learning who i am and how to survive. i gotta be okay with spending time alone, just me and my head, not contantly chasing a distraction.
on the other hand, it will probably send me quite mad.
the upside of which, in final desperation i might find the courage to go an talk to someone about my stupid everything that just seem to be getting worse. fuck knows i need a hand. i need something.
maybe this is it.