so this is what comes from having youre identity crafted for you. everything i fought for as a teenager coming back to bite me cause now theres nothing left to fight. crumbling under the lack of pressure, the weight of self-responsibility something different. its harder when theres noone else otblame.
not strong enough not strong enough.
selfpity selfpity. ladida.
eyes a little more oval, its time for revelations.

all talk, no acceptance. yet fighting blind-mute-giving-in, everything must be questioned. but why?
blind acceptance leads to subjecation, supression, a disintergration of self into the masses and a loss of identity. like giving too much of onesself, like i did, i gave it all and i lost it all, an now theres just a hole which needs filling. needs filling with wisdom gained through aknowledgement of mistakes and acceptance of responsibility. but i fear being disintergrated again, even if it is into myself.

what disturbs me the most is the lack of individuality. identity. substance.i look at everyone around me, seems they have found their niche, theie shape of their soul, their ideals and theyre appearances. while change is the only constant, still it seems they do not fear it as i do, stable enough in themselves to repel being sucked through to the otherside. it seems once, in memory, i was the same. strong. colourful. full of emotion and opinion and pride and all the good things that come from living. then i changed it, channelled it, gave it all away for a cause that i could not sustain, and failed at. and so i am left with nothing, all that energy dissipated. previous pride is unwarranted, old opinions seem foolish and new ones apathetic, and the only emotions are grey, or black. old goals are unacheiveable, the passion and inspiration gone. art, metaphore, portrayl, depiction and above all VISION ((the true tools of the artist)) somehow... out of reach. disconnected. gone.

and, see how i could talk like this in cirlces all night and analyse where its all gone wrong, but i keep coming down to the answer of i fucking miss you cause in the end you were all of myself i had left to hold onto and i fucked you up an now youre gone and i dont even have that anymore. and i dont know what to do about it.

and theres the blockade.

and the circles start again, like bashing my head against a wall of ignorance and despair of my own making. bash bash bash and we're getting nowhere.

this is what keeps me up at night.
all that ugly confusion in the dark. and fear fear fear.
and nargh.

...

i guess that is all.